Life is shit

I was wondering why, when I read everyone else's blogs they are always so positive and upbeat, I'd had some ideas about this before and often felt like I myself was being a bit smug every time i posted some wonderfully positive event on my blog.

I haven't written much lately for lots of reasons but mostly because nothing in "my" world has been good. So I got to thinking that maybe I should break with tradition and write about something negative and crap. Life is not always just about all the good things that happen, it can't be, anyone who tells you (through their blog or otherwise) is a liar or deluded or very very lucky/fortunate.

I am living in an area of outstanding beauty, I've chosen to live a different way of life, I don't have to get up every day and work for someone else, I can eat when I want, go to work when I want and go to bed when I want.
All that sounds pretty good eh? yup and nope.

I am not always enjoying myself, in fact lately it's been the opposite, I feel guilty because I feel like I "should" be enjoying myself or at least grateful. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about feeling crap about my amazing life, because it's somehow seen as ungrateful or negative.

It can be very isolating and lonely not to mention confusing. The events of the past months have been quite overwhelming and although we have recovered (not financially) we are up and running again, it has knocked me and my confidence for six.

I am often not sure what the hell I am supposed to be doing here, other than being a housewife and occasional vegetable grower and livestock rearer. That doesn't cut it for me and I don't know how to make it cut it for me. This is the first time in my life that I haven't had a job, either working for someone else or myself, it's the first time in my life that I haven't had to get up at the crack of dawn everyday. It's the first time in my life that I haven't had to be somewhere on Monday morning. One day blends in to another, weeks whizz by and then months and I seem to have achieved nothing. I can't help with the house build as it's really too physical at this stage, I can't grow any vegetables because it's too flipping hot. I can't go outside because it makes my head hurt. I never thought I would say this but I actually hate the sun and wonder what in god's name I was thinking when I suggested moving to Portugal.